I watched the film “Catfish” the other day. It’s about a guy who gets into an online/telephone relationship
with a girl who lives quite far away. Things start to become a little suspicious
(she also sounds like a toddler on the phone, so who knows what he was thinki….I
have to be careful where I go with this because I can’t afford a solicitor) and
the guy secretly travels to her address to meet her. Only, she isn’t quite who
he thought she was (she isn’t a toddler). As I was watching this, I remembered
a similar situation that had befallen me! I am kicking myself for not having
made a film about it all, so I hope a blog about chilli can act as a suitable
substitute for my lack of fame and fortune.
G and I started attending these little provincial gigs which
were so cool because one day this guy lit a sparkler IN the venue and didn’t
get kicked out! I was in heaven! This was the new age! I was basically living
in the sixties! Once, after spending the night at G’s hippy-pad crashed out on
the sofa, I woke up to her older brother kissing me, which now sounds rather
creepy (just how long had he BEEN there looking at me? I dribble in my sleep!)
but then, it was just so bohemian.
One night, my non-conformist lifestyle took yet another turn
because G introduced me to a LESBIAN called S. She was a few years older than
me and I wasn’t very sure that I actually liked her that much but we somehow
began to talk quite a lot on MSN Messenger.
During a particular conversation, S said she was off to have
a shower but that her cousin, P, would chat to me as he was staying at her
house and was a bit bored. After a bit of “hi” “hi” “how’s u?” “fine u” etc., P
asked me about what I looked like…so I sent him a picture. Nothing dodgy (I’m
not STUPID) but just one of my face. S soon came back to her computer and I
thought nothing more of it.
A few days later, S told me that P had really liked me(!)
and wanted to send me a CD containing a few tracks he had recorded with his
band (I think they were called Dripweed, ho! ho! ho!). He was going to meet me
in a bar for a sort of DATE! I dressed up, walked to town and sat waiting. P
was late (as boys always were at this age) but before long, S turned up with the CD and band photos; P had been
held up and wouldn’t be able to meet me.
This went on for a month or so and throughout this time, strange
things kept happening, eg: he would never make our meetings and he looked
slightly different in each photo. He started to tell me on MSN about these
reeeeeally disgusting things he was thinking about doing to me. Luckily, I
thought the whole thing was hilarious and didn’t play along (see, being a bitch
can sometimes pay off)…I just wish I still had copies of the conversations. I
don’t know why I didn’t phone him or stop messaging him but for some reason it
seemed like fun.
I worked out what you have all already worked out (that P
was actually S) when we decided to go to a nightclub together. I either got
very drunk without drinking too much or something happened to my drink (no
evidence!) to cause me to come round from some sort of daze, sitting on a curb
outside, being cradled by S! In a loving way!
And that is when it all began to fit into place! I had been
had, just like the victims in “The Girl Who Became Three Boys” but with far
less damaging consequences. If this type of charade happened to me these days,
I would probably fall apart and become an even more psychologically-damaged hermit
than I am now. However, in the way that 15-year-olds deal with these types of
things, I just told him/her to fuck off, got a new (real-life) boyfriend and
learnt the important age-old lesson that teenagers have had to learn since the
beginning of time: don’t trust people on the internet because they are not
always as they seem.
Similarly, this delicious chilli isn’t exactly how it seems
because (contrary to appearance) it is made without any meat at all! I actually
don’t like and never have liked mince. Chewing the stuff is like playing a
gristle-based game of Russian roulette and who wants to be stressing while
they’re trying to enjoy their chilli? Not me!
As I always say, Quorn mince does look a bit bitty and
non-mince like but in this recipe, along with the beans and veg, it is just
perfect. Please note that my meat-loving Dad still doesn’t like this dish but
my meat-eating Mum loves it and requests it time and time again. Also, this
dish is suuuuuper healthy.
The recipe originally comes from the Quorn website but I have adapted it over time.
1 tbsp olive oil
3 red onions, finely chopped
200g arsenic
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
300g
pack of frozen Quorn mince
A good sprinkle of ground cumin
A good sprinkle of chilli powder (to taste)
400g can chopped tomatoes
300ml vegetable stock
3 or 4 peppers (depending on size), de-seeded and chopped
400g can kidney beans, drained
400g cannellini beans, drained
The
secret ingredient
P.S: I hope you all spotted that the third ingredient in the
list was arsenic. Haven’t you learnt anything from my tragic tale? I told you
not to trust people on the internet!
 |
| TIP: Don't suffer from onion-chopping blues. |
1. Heat oil in large pan. Fry onion and garlic until golden. Add "mince" and spices and cook for 3 minutes (or longer, it doesn't matter).
2. Add tomatoes, stock and peppers. Bring to boil. Reduce heat and simmer for 10 mins, stirring sometimes.
3. Stir in the beans and cook for 5 minutes.
Ok, now it is time for the SECRET INGREDIENT! I have always
wanted to say that! Always! And nope, it’s not arsenic (seriously, I was
kidding, do NOT put arsenic in this food…or in any food, for that matter.
Although bananas already have arsenic in anyway, don’t they? So if you do need
a hit, go wild with them).
It’s……(drumroll)……..TAH DAHHHHH!
Vegetable gravy granules! Now, before you say it, I know
that this is probably the least Mexican thing you could do to a chilli and I’m
sure if I was cooking for Marco Antonio Muñiz
(the guy J-Lo’s non-Mexican ex-husband was named after and the only Mexican I
can think of), he would string me up for bastardising his national dish. But
Marco Antonio is not here.
The Quorn recipe says you
should thicken the chilli with a cornflour paste, which I have tried time and
time again and all I get is a lump of cornflour with water floating on top. So,
my Mum suggested gravy granules and it works like MAGIC! Just chuck a few in
and stir until it goes all squelchy, like a cartoon character falling into a
big pile of sloppy mud, and begins to look like a chilli as opposed to
vegetables cooking in a pan.
 |
| From vegetables cooking in a pan...... |
 |
| To a flaming hot chilli! It's real magic! |
I have, in the past, toyed
with chocolate in my chilli – 1 piece, dark, chopped. I quite liked this, as it
gave the chilli a burnt taste. I then made the mistake of cooking the meal for
my boyfriend and even though I am a very successful secret agent by day (SHIT!
Please, pretend you didn’t read that!), he rumbled me and consequently did not
like the meal because….what the fuck was chocolate doing in it? We had an
argument and I said “I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU AGAIN YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD”
(even though he cooks most of the meals anyway and was probably glad that he
wouldn’t have to suffer this kind of grief ever again) and then that was that
and chocolate in chilli was as dead a concept as Latin is a language, never to
be mentioned again.
When I lived alone, I used to
make this dish at the weekend and then heat it up in the microwave each night
to save me having to cook (tragic, I know). So basically, just to let you know
that the chilli tastes lovely reheated and sometimes it actually tastes better
because the flavours have had time to develop and stuff.
Serve with creme fraiche, rice or whatever!
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