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| It doesn't look really bad. But it is. |
The disclaimer at the bottom of my last post got me
thinking; I was sure that I had had to provide some kind of food-related hazard
warning before. Lo and behold, after a search through my blogging archives (the
blogs that I write and then never post, due to being lazy and uninspired), I found
the disclaimer in question.
Ready, Marty McFly? We’re going back in time to April 2012,
when my life looked like this:
"Disclaimer: Before I start this particular blog let me just
tell you that the resultant meal you will eat after toiling for actually not
very long is fucking disgusting. So, please feel free to disregard this one and
move along.
As usual, quite some time has gone by since my last update.
It is now nearly May which is sort of nearly half way through the year and so
it’s basically nearly 2013 and I have wasted all of 2012 by eating Milka bars
and refreshing my Twitter home page.
Talking of 2012, has anyone been watching the Beeb’s Twenty
Twelve? (I still find it funny to ask my “readers” these questions; it makes me
feel all self-important as if I am actually writing a real blog). Anyway, it’s
bloody brilliant. In it, my boss is wonderfully portrayed by the excellent
Jessica Hynes. That’s a joke, obviously, but not a very good one. I can’t be
arsed.
So, here is a list of a few things that have recently made
my life a bit shit:
A few months ago I over-enthusiastically told an old friend
that we should just FORGET about emails and Facebook and actually write to each
other. She said “OK” but really, I bet she was thinking “Yeah right. You can’t
even find the time to reply to a text with the word “yes” so how are you going
to actually buy some paper and an envelope and then sit down and WRITE
something”.
If that was what she was thinking, she was right because I
never did write a thing and now the price of stamps has fucking quadrupled or
something…so, that showed me.
I stupidly stumbled upon these pictures and spent a long time looking at them, whilst eating digestives and pulling at
the fat on my cheeks.
I am accustomed to chatting to people in the kitchen at work
and then agreeing to do something that they haven’t even put pressure on me to
do. One such case was when I agreed to help a lawyer-cum-writer-cum-occasional-tv-commentator
prepare a case against the UK
government. No biggie then.
I should have known better because after spending 24 years
with myself I know that I am lazy, unmotivated, prone to u-turns on commitments
and always panicking. True to form, here I am with a long list of Directives
that I do not understand but pretended at the time that I did. You will now
understand why I decided to write this blog.
One final thing that was shit this week was the sandwich I
made yesterday. Asda has a period, once every couple of months, where luxury
pizzas, Activia yoghurts and Covent Garden
soups are all on offer. This is the BEST time ever and I will elbow children,
pregnant women and pensioners out of the way just to reach that last pizza.
Even if I can’t fit everything I have bought into my fridge, it’s okay because
I just pop it right into the oven and have an extra meal or two that day.
This week, the deal was off so I sullenly moped around the
other aisles to see what other offers there were. I found some Quorn peppered
steaks for £1 and dolefully chucked them into my wheely basket".
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| The offending item. |
(this is where the post ends)
I obviously never posted this meal because I never got round
to finishing the story. It goes like this:
I know, I KNOW that Quorn products aren’t exactly like meat.
I knoooow. However, some are better than others, as will be demonstrated in the
coming weeks with a post on the best veggie chilli I have ever made or even
tasted. These bloody peppered “steaks” are just awful though and I don’t think
it has anything to do with my cooking.
This is more of a health warning than a good old recipe but
if you are an insane vegetarian who would like to pay some money to feel really
sick, then get a “steak”, some rocket, tomato and bread and bundle it all
together.
You’re so welcome!
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